Today is one of those days that I want to give up and give in. I’ve done everything I can while doing everything asked of me (by medical professionals, family and friends) and yet, I experience roadblocks I just can’t clear. Even when I have someone trying to help, they are cut off. I feel like a prisoner within the walls of my home and broken body. When someone sneaks something through the bars, they are quickly identified, removed and banished. I have no where else to turn. No where else to go. I’ve tried hard to push for different treatments, medications and procedures. I’ve done everything else, what is one more? And if it helps to any degree, is it not worth it? With every setback and lack of positive progression, the balance of risk continually weighs heavier on my side.

I try to put up a brave front. I try to go through all of this with a positive outlook. I go into everything believing it will work, not just hoping. I put on a smile, trying to shutout the extreme pain and hardships I experience every single second of every minute of every hour of every day. Does that smile make people think that I’m OK? Does my outward appearance somehow convey the turmoil I feel inside? Maybe. And maybe I created that connection because most of the time, I don’t want people to know. I don’t want them to see me as weak, whiny and exaggerated. I’d rather be in control, even though I know the reality is the opposite.

My focus is on the here and now. I am not afforded the luxury of looking towards the future because everything is too uncertain. At least, I’ve been told that much. Not just by my doctors, but by family as well. You never really think of dying. It isn’t common practice to see your life in any other way than continuing on. Sure, you may live in the present but you plan for the future. To be perfectly and utterly clear, I do not want to die. And I don’t want others planning on me dying prematurely either. It isn’t even their right to do such a thing. If I’m still doing things to try and get better (even if you don’t agree with them), then who are you to take away my belief that one day I might be better and I might achieve goals I once had?

To say I’m frustrated and tired would be an enormous understatement. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going from here but know that the next few days are crucial to my future. My only hope is that they make my life a little easier, a little better and a little more clear. Only time will tell; hopefully it doesn’t take too much time.

  • 2 Responses

  • kelly aka ficklepickle says...

    Kirby — I’m right there with you

  • Ari says...

    Kirby you’re an inspiration to me and many others. You’re so strong and we’re all here as a GP community to pull through the ups and downs. I don’t know if my comment will help any but I think a lot of us can relate to this post and these feelings unfortunately. But hey that makes us who we are and makes us the person we’ve become. One thing we all share is strength and we all know you of all people have a lot of that even when you may not feel like it. We’ve all got this life to live and every bit of it is worth living. Stay strong.

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